Finding myself

I am sitting at work, it is 06:55 am, and I am wondering where all this is going. My HTC is now playing the latest mastering attempt at the instrumental track for my latest song for the hundred-and-...th time. I just can't release the track until I know it is the way I want it to be. As of lately, I have started to care more about what others want my music to be. I have become more aware of the fact that this might be my only chance of making it big. That's probably the reason I started trying to make electronic music as well. I mean, as long as I can have a career in making music, it doesn't really matter if I'm on stage with a band or in front of a computer and some turn-tables... Or does it? I know I have a gift when it comes to the "non-electronic" music as almost any part of a conventional band, but that doesn't really help me when I am in need of 3 or 4 other persons to take on the road. Then it just seems simpler to just be alone with your talent and a computer to express it.

So what is the price of YOUR soul?

I could probably have fallen deeper than to get hooked on the dubstep-revolution. I mean have you heard scooter? :P The thing that puzzles me with this branch of the electronica genera is the attention to detail and progressive style. You can't get recognized by playing 4,5 minutes of the same drum track with some synth leads on top just repeating every bar with a variation added every 8 bars :P So am I really giving away that much of myself by doing it this way? I mean, it's not like there are bands figting over me, and getting my own band to get as passionate about music as I am, seems a task greater than what I care to spend my time on. I guess some people are happy doing the occasional local gig for free, but I want to go up and beyond. Touring the world and having crowds of thousands gathering to hear what I have made.

The thought makes me shiver. I can't help thinking I was born for this. So then why does it come so hard? I guess contacts and network means more today than talent. Getting yourself out there on your own is hard, VERY hard. But then what is life without challenges. I love to achieve great stuff on my own, cause I feel like the result is that much more satisfying when you see that you alone managed what others needed a lot of money or a big team to do.

So we wait and see. Maybe this is my big break, or maybe I fail hard at making this kind of music :P time will tell, as I search through my soul, enjoying the contrasts in anticipation of what I'll emerge as when I come out on the other side.

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